SoonerBlue

Carrie Prejean is in the news again. She’s the beauty pageant contestant who spoke out against gay marriage. She’s a very family-values-oriented woman who, in her spare time, made a pornographic video tape. She says it is not a sex tape because she’s the only one in it. It’s s solo sex tape. It’s the first female solo sex tape . . . she flies solo. She’s like the Amelia Earhart of the naked." –Jimmy Kimmel

"She's trying to downplay the incident. In pageant terms, it was a swim-suit competition minus the swim suit but with a lot of baton twirling." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Former Miss California, Carrie Prejean, got into trouble for making a sex tape. She’s the only one in the tape. But I think this could be innocent too — last time for the racy photos, she said the wind blew her vest open . . . so maybe the wind blew her into some sexy positions and made her do some sexy gestures." –Craig Ferguson

"The AMA is urging the Federal Government not to classify marijuana as a dangerous drug and do more research. That's what they said. It's a big story, yeah. Yeah, that request came not only from the AMA but also from KFC." –Conan O'Brien

"It's been reported that outspoken anti-immigration anchor Lou Dobbs is leaving CNN. Yeah. True story, yeah. He'll be replaced by a guy named Juan, who will do the same job for $5 an hour." –Conan O'Brien

"Dobbs said he's leaving because he wants to engage in constructive problem solving. He's already solved one problem, for CNN." –Jimmy Fallon

"On Monday, Oprah Winfrey and Sarah Palin will sit down and they're going to talk for an entire hour. And I was thinking, too bad John McCain didn't do that with her before he chose her as his running mate." –David Letterman

"It's the 20th anniversary of the Berlin Wall coming down. Before that, the only way to get from East Germany to West Germany was your dad would have to put you in a balloon." –David Letterman

"Google has announced that they’re going to give free Internet access in airports all across the country. It’s fantastic! Up until now, the only way to see something pornographic at an airport was to follow a senator into the bathroom." –Craig Ferguson

"Remember the Congressman, William Jefferson, who the F.B.I. caught with $90,000 in bribe money in his freezer? Well, he was convicted of 11 counts of bribery and corruption. Prosecutors asked for the harshest prison sentence ever handed down for a member of Congress. Something like 30 years. The Congressman is saying — he said he still did nothing wrong. He claims he just fell in with the wrong crowd — Congress." –Jay Leno

"Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer, who was forced to resign because he used prostitutes, will deliver a lecture tomorrow at the Harvard center for Ethics. Yeah, if you want to check out the speech, it costs $500 for half an hour, $900 if you want to stay for the whole hour." –Jimmy Fallon

"Some pictures of President Obama posted on the internet seem to show the President looking very thin. ... Tthey say he looks too thin, but White House docs say not to worry, Barack Obama's one of those guys who can eat whatever he wants and still not gain weight. Yet another reason for Rush Limbaugh to hate him." –Jay Leno

"The senior citizen group AARP endorsed the Democrats' health care bill. Senior citizens endorsed it. Yes. Yeah, yeah, a spokesperson for the senior citizens group said, 'We can't wait until this bill is signed by President Harry Truman.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Congressman John Boehner told a crowd of protesters yesterday that the new health care bill was the 'greatest threat to freedom he's ever seen.' And then the Taliban was like, 'Uh, helloooo? What?!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama hosted a conference of all the Native American tribes. I know the U.S. economy's in bad shape, but Obama told the Indians, 'Look, you can have the country back. Okay, fine.'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama met with Native American tribal leaders, and they gave Obama the Indian name, 'He Who Cares.' Isn't that nice? That's nice. Yeah. Then, they gave Vice President Joe Biden the Indian name, 'Big Chief Running Mouth." –Conan O'Brien

"During the middle of his show, Fox News commentator Glenn Beck was rushed to the hospital for an attack of appendicitis. Yeah. Apparently, Beck was crying and screaming incoherently, so his audience assumed everything was normal." –Conan O'Brien

"It's interesting what former presidents do when they leave office. Bush is now working as a motivational speaker. And if you want to be motivated, who better to turn to than the guy who invaded the wrong country and started a depression." -David Letterman

"Bush will be a great motivational speaker. Look how many people he motivated to vote Democrat. So there you go!" --David Letterman

"New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine said he's considering leasing the New Jersey Turnpike to help raise money for the state. He's going to lease out the New Jersey Turnpike. And of course, a lot of people are furious about this. Because, you know, parts of the Jersey Turnpike are considered a sacred mob burial ground." –Jay Leno

"The only opponent to Afghan President Hamid Karzai backed out of the planned recount. He's not going to be in the race. He says he wants to spend more time with his family and not get killed." –Jay Leno

"Abdullah Abdullah may be out of the race, but they say in four years his idiot son will be on the ballot. That would be Abdullah W. Abdullah." –David Letterman
Leno

"A year ago Barack Obama was elected president. It's been a year, can you believe that? Yeah. A lot's happened. Yeah. In one short year, Obama's slogan has gone from, 'Yes, we can,' to 'Wow, this is freakin' hard.'" –Conan O'Brien

[gathered from NYTimes Laughlines]

"A 66-year-old deputy U.S. Attorney General in South Carolina, home of Governor Mark Sanford. You know him. The guy's name is Roland Corning. He's lost his job, got fired, after police discovered him in a cemetery with an 18-year-old stripper, a bag of sex toys, and a bottle of Viagra. ... But to be fair, people do grieve differently" –Jay Leno

"This is interesting. One of the top selling costumes this Halloween is a vampire version of President Obama called 'Barackula.' Also very popular is the vampire version of former Vice President Dick Cheney, called 'Dick Cheney.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Do people still bob for apples? Anybody bob for apples for God's sakes? Bobbing for apples or as Dick Cheney calls it, apple boarding." –David Letterman

"I bet you you go to Dick Cheney's house, trick-or-treating he is one of those guys that tells you you are going to have to spend the night because the bridge is out." –David Letterman

"Now everybody's fine, but CNN's Lou Dobbs recently had to call the police because someone fired shots at his home. Yeah. Dobbs said he didn't see or hear the shooter, but described him as Hispanic." –Conan O'Brien

"A new poll from CNN found that more than 70% of Americans said that Sarah Palin is not qualified to be president in 2012. When she heard that, she was like, 'Yeah, but that still leaves 50%.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"After months of the debate, finally a health care reform bill now exists. It's big. The new bill is called the Affordable Health Care for America Act. And the bill's official title is actually HR 3692. 3692, of course, stands for the year they expect the bill to pass." –Jimmy Fallon

But get this, the bill is 1,990 pages long. To put that into words you guys can understand, that's like 5,622,000 Tweets." –Jimmy Fallon

"Washington Democrats unveiled their new 2,000-page health care reform bill today. It would guarantee health coverage for 96% of Americans. The other 4% would be given bus tickets to Canada." –Jay Leno

"You know what is worse than being sick and not having health insurance? Having to sit through the Lieberman filibuster that kept it from you." –Jon Stewart

"Of course, some people in Connecticut are upset that Joe now opposes the public option. Namely, the 64% of people in Connecticut who support a public option. But remember, Joe's party is 'Connecticut for Lieberman,' not 'Lieberman for Connecticut.' Big difference. You see, Joe's a true independent. He's independent of political parties, and he's independent of his constituents. I say, stick to your principles, Joe. And as soon as you can, let us know what those are." –Stephen Colbert

"Guess what? The former governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin will be appearing on the Oprah Winfrey show next month. Coincidentally, John McCain will be on Dr. Oz next month getting a colonoscopy." –David Letterman

"But if you think about it, Sarah Palin and Oprah Winfrey have a lot in common. They both helped get Obama elected." –David Letterman

"In a speech in Canada, former President George W. Bush said he was proud that when he was in office he didn't sell his soul, which is true. He rented it to Dick Cheney, who then sublet it to Halliburton, but it's totally different." –Jay Leno

"The University of Chicago, where President Obama once taught law, they want to house the Barack Obama presidential library. The library will be just like President George W. Bush's library, except it will have books." –Jimmy Fallon

"Speaking of former President Bush, he gave a motivational speech in Florida yesterday. Bush is actually really good at motivating. Last year, he motivated everyone to vote for Obama." –Jimmy Fallon

"This weekend, President Obama declared a national emergency in response to the growing threat of swine flu. So I guess I better stop licking doorknobs for real this time." –Jimmy Kimmel

"In response to Obama's declaration, the Republican leaders this morning came out in support of the swine flu. Not really." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama is in the news. He's been criticized for only playing sports with other men. He's been taking some slack for that lately, so yesterday, he played golf with one of his top female advisers or as Fox News reported it, 'Obama plays a round with another woman.'" –Conan O'Brien

"And former Vice President Dick Cheney has accused the White House of 'dithering' over the strategy for the war in Afghanistan. Today, the White House said they're thinking it over, and they should have an answer for him in six to eight weeks." –Jay Leno

"It's getting nasty. Cheney said that when it comes to Afghanistan, Obama seems to be 'afraid.' Afraid? Isn't Cheney the one that was hiding in the underground bunker?" –Jay Leno

"An MSNBC anchor, Contessa Brewer, made an embarrassing mistake on the air last week. She called Jesse Jackson, 'Al Sharpton.' Even worse than that, after he told her, 'I'm Jesse Jackson,' she said, 'Are you the one that's between Jermaine and Tito?'"–Jay Leno

"The St. Louis Rams lost yesterday to the Indianapolis Colts. The Rams are now 0-7. In fact, they're so bad, the Rams called Rush Limbaugh collect and said, 'Make us an offer. Anything, please.'" –Jay Leno

[gathered from NYTimes Laughlines]

Because I really got a kick out of this new twist on a golden oldie:

Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily News Newspaper in Starkville, MS and bought a mule for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.

The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have
some bad news, the mule died last night."

Curtis &Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."

The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"

Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"

Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"

A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis &Leroy at the Piggly
Wiggly grocery store and asked.

"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"

They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."

Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made
a profit of $898."

The farmer said,"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"

Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset, so we gave him his two
dollars back."

Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.

They're overseeing the Bailout Program.

(Hat tip to Ed M.)

New Rule: People from Southern California have to learn how to drive in the rain. You can go faster than five miles an hour, people. It's water, not K-Y jelly.

New Rule: If Republicans want to get back into power, they have to stop naming their lobbying groups after maxi-pads. [slide of logos for "FreedomWorks," "Keep America Safe!" and "Freedom First"]

New Rule, and it's our last of the season: Let's admit that despite all the media hype, there is one thing that George Bush did not destroy when he left office: comedy. If anything, Republicans out of power are even funnier than Republicans in power.

Now, I'm taking a hiatus for a few months...But, before I go, I'd like to go back to the beginning of the year and remind everyone that when Barack Obama, an actual college professor, replaced George Bush, an actual chimp--commentators announced that comedians would be out of a job.

Well, they were wrong. Everyone is out of a job.

So, yes, Bush was a sweet target. But, it turns out there were plenty of ridiculous Republicans behind him that we just couldn't see. His stupid "star doth shone too brightly."

To wit, the year began with Obama's State of the Union speech, rebutted by teenage governor Bobby Jindal. Who was the great hope of the party. But, when Americans saw him that fateful night, their thought wasn't "A new leader for a new time," it was "Good God, Mad magazine has outsourced Alfred E. Newman."

Now, after Jindal flamed out, the Republicans still needed a fresh new face. So they got Dick Cheney. Who, for a while, popped up on TV more often than the GEICO lizard to demand he be given proper credit for torture. Not that I'm comparing Cheney to the GEICO lizard. One's a cold-blooded reptile and the other is the GEICO lizard.

Now, after Cheney came that exciting new group of Obama critics known as "the birthers." Or as they used to be called, "the Klan."

And after them came Governor Mark Sanford. All over Argentina. Yes, this is truly a bizarre year for Republicans. Their sex scandals were with women.

Well, soon it was tax time, and the "teabaggers" filled the streets, purple with rage that their taxes under Obama had STAYED EXACTLY THE SAME OR GONE DOWN!!!

Yes, the "teabaggers," who started a movement and in the process sullied the name of a perfectly good gay sex act--that's right, when the year started, "teabagging" was a phrase that referred to dangling one's testicles in someone else's face. And they managed to turn it into something gross and ridiculous.

This is also the year that conservatives taught us that there's only one kind of racism left in America, and that's reverse racism. It was inspiring to see white men finally stand up to the oppressive, rigged system that has forced them to live in a hopeless cycle of wealth and opportunity.

And, speaking of opportunity, have you heard this broad? [slide of Michele Bachmann] The floor of a cave called. It wants its bat shit back.

And, speaking of bat shit, to reiterate my theme, if Obama hadn't been elected, would we have ever seen Glenn Beck cry on TV? On a park bench while masturbating, sure, but not on TV. And was there any better TV than watching this weepy, wonderful special-needs cousin of Rush Limbaugh? Angry one moment, then frightened, scolding, sobbing. We loved him because we've all known someone just like him. Usually an ex-girlfriend.

[From HBO's Real Time with Bill Maher]