SoonerBlue

Mostly politics, a few current events, a squirt of seltzer down yer pants .. a little blog for my rambles and rants.

2009/8/4

Late-night jokes round-up 8/4/09

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@ 05:23 AM (3 months, 20 days ago)


"They had the big beer summit at the White House. President Obama had a beer with Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates and the policeman who arrested him. The meeting got off to a rough start when a neighbor called the police to say Gates was breaking into the White House." --Conan O'Brien

"A beer summit, yeah, that's a great idea. In my experience, the best way to settle an argument between guys from Boston, just add alcohol." --Jimmy Fallon

"And then things got completely out of hand and everybody took a leak in the Rose Garden." --David Letterman

"Everybody in Washington, DC, helped out to make the big kegger quite a success. And I thought this was nice. To show that there are no hard feelings anywhere, toward the end of the evening, Bill Clinton, former President Bill Clinton, that Bill Clinton, brought over a stripper." --David Letterman

Letterman's Top Ten Things Overheard At The White House Beer Summit:

10. "Don't worry, Biden will clean up the empties"
9. "Guys stop me if I try to drunk dial Nancy Pelosi"
8. "Smoking, drinking. Suddenly our president is Artie Lange"
7. "Let's call Limbaugh and take this party to the next level"
6. "I feel dizzy and confused — just like Bush! Hi-yoo!"
5. "I don't want to freak anybody out, but I just saw Nixon walking down the hall"
4. "Tell Geithner to put his shirt on"
3. "Sen. Larry Craig asked if he could have his beer brought to the men's room"
2. "You guys wanna see where Clinton used to get freaky?"
1. "Excuse me while I take a presidential leak"

"Obama wants to make this a regular thing. He's already invited Ahmadinejad over for Appletinis." --Jimmy Fallon

"And I guess next week, Obama is going sit down with Jon and Kate to see if he can't patch that up too." --Jimmy Kimmel

"I read online today that President Obama's approval rating has dropped to an all-time low of 48%. Or as George Bush calls it, 'kickin' ass.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Vice President, Joe Biden held a series of closed door meetings. Not because they were secret. He just couldn't figure out how to open the door." --Jimmy Fallon

"The schedule for next year's Iowa caucuses has been announced. And Jewish voters are upset because the caucus is being held on Saturday, which means they can't attend. This could reduce the number of voters in the Iowa caucus by almost two." --Conan O'Brien

"Interesting announcement just came out. Next month, a 95-year-old Crow Indian chief will receive the Presidential Medal of Freedom. When asked about it, the chief said, 'Great, that should pretty much make up for everything.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, of course, on Fox News commentator Glenn Beck said that he believes President Obama is a racist. Well, to be fair, every time you watch Glenn Beck, it does get a little easier to hate white people." --Conan O'Brien

"Former Governor Sarah Palin, she's rumored to be interested in a new career as a talk radio host. It's a four-hour show but she'll be gone after two. So, that's -- she says it's part of her deal." --Jimmy Fallon

"Of course, you have to remember, radio host is now the most powerful position in the Republican Party. 'The Morning Drive' on WQU-Betcha. Should be exciting." --Jimmy Fallon

[gathered from NYTimes Laughlines]

Bill Maher 8/4/09

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@ 04:46 AM (3 months, 20 days ago)

 

"I know why you're happy today: racism is over, and we did it with beer. We did it with beer! See, this is the change we can believe in, that Obama was always talking about. Black Americans and white Americans coming together to get shitfaced. When you think about what could have been accomplished if they lit up a joint. Wow. ... If they had lit up a joint and then said, 'This incident is completely forgotten,' that would really have the ring of truth." --Bill Maher

"No, it was a great summit, the beer summit, and I think it's important to note what Sergeant Crowley said. He said, 'It's funny. The guys back at the station always joke how they wished they had a beer for every time a black man was arrested. And now it came true.'" --Bill Maher

"I don't think he's a racist. I don't. I think he's a cop. Seriously. But there was one little awkward moment when he arrived at the White House and got out of the car and he threw Obama the keys." --Bill Maher

"And then, when Sonia Sotomayor came out with the guacamole, I said, 'What the hell is going on here?' ... People were so fascinated about what beer they were drinking. Apparently Gates had Red Stripe. ... And Crowley had Blue Moon. And Obama, just to screw with the conservatives, had a forty of King Cobra." --Bill Maher

"Now, this was awkward. He actually had a Bud Light. At one point, Obama said he had Bud. And the professor took out his pipe." --Bill Maher

"But apparently, it went so well that the professor and Crowley plan to meet again. But not at the White House. It's a little tense there." --Bill Maher

"They want to meet at a place where both men just feel comfortable walking into. Like Gates' house. And if that goes well, then they're going to be paired up on 'Dancing With The Stars.'" --Bill Maher

"Now, interesting, Obama having his problems now with the public. His health care program slipping in the public approval rating." --Bill Maher

"Only 42% of Republicans believe Obama was born in the United States. That's an amazing statistic. How come in America, Christians are the ones who won't take anything on faith?" --Bill Maher

"But a lot is sliding around him. But one program that is an unqualified success that's working, the Cash for Clunkers. Have you done this? Have you traded in your clunker? See, you can take your old gas-guzzling clunker to your GM dealer and trade it in for a new, gas-guzzling clunker. 250,000 people have already done this. ... For the first time in years, people in Kentucky can see their front yard." --Bill Maher

"Some people have misunderstood this concept of trading old for new. For example, today, South Carolina Governor Sanford tried to drop off his wife" --Bill Maher

[From HBO's Real Time with Bill Maher]

2009/7/26

Bill Maher's New Rules 7/26/09

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@ 04:57 AM (3 months, 29 days ago)

 

New Rule: Not everything in America has to make a profit. It used to be that there were some services and institutions so vital to our nation that they were exempt from market pressures. Some things we just didn't do for money. The United States always defined capitalism, but it didn't used to define us. But now it's becoming all that we are.

Did you know, for example, that there was a time when being called a "war profiteer" was a bad thing? But now our war zones are dominated by private contractors and mercenaries who work for corporations. There are more private contractors in Iraq than American troops, and we pay them generous salaries to do jobs the troops used to do for themselves -- like laundry. War is not supposed to turn a profit, but our wars have become boondoggles for weapons manufacturers and connected civilian contractors.

Prisons used to be a non-profit business, too. And for good reason -- who the hell wants to own a prison? By definition you're going to have trouble with the tenants. But now prisons are big business. A company called the Corrections Corporation of America is on the New York Stock Exchange, which is convenient since that's where all the real crime is happening anyway. The CCA and similar corporations actually lobby Congress for stiffer sentencing laws so they can lock more people up and make more money. That's why America has the world;s largest prison population -- because actually rehabilitating people would have a negative impact on the bottom line.

Television news is another area that used to be roped off from the profit motive. When Walter Cronkite died last week, it was odd to see news anchor after news anchor talking about how much better the news coverage was back in Cronkite's day. I thought, "Gee, if only you were in a position to do something about it."

But maybe they aren't. Because unlike in Cronkite's day, today's news has to make a profit like all the other divisions in a media conglomerate. That's why it wasn't surprising to see the CBS Evening News broadcast live from the Staples Center for two nights this month, just in case Michael Jackson came back to life and sold Iran nuclear weapons. In Uncle Walter's time, the news division was a loss leader. Making money was the job of The Beverly Hillbillies. And now that we have reporters moving to Alaska to hang out with the Palin family, the news is The Beverly Hillbillies.

And finally, there's health care. It wasn't that long ago that when a kid broke his leg playing stickball, his parents took him to the local Catholic hospital, the nun put a thermometer in his mouth, the doctor slapped some plaster on his ankle and you were done. The bill was $1.50, plus you got to keep the thermometer.

But like everything else that's good and noble in life, some Wall Street wizard decided that hospitals could be big business, so now they're run by some bean counters in a corporate plaza in Charlotte. In the U.S. today, three giant for-profit conglomerates own close to 600 hospitals and other health care facilities. They're not hospitals anymore; they're Jiffy Lubes with bedpans. America's largest hospital chain, HCA, was founded by the family of Bill Frist, who perfectly represents the Republican attitude toward health care: it's not a right, it's a racket. The more people who get sick and need medicine, the higher their profit margins. Which is why they're always pushing the Jell-O.

Because medicine is now for-profit we have things like "recision," where insurance companies hire people to figure out ways to deny you coverage when you get sick, even though you've been paying into your plan for years.

When did the profit motive become the only reason to do anything? When did that become the new patriotism? Ask not what you could do for your country, ask what's in it for Blue Cross/Blue Shield.

If conservatives get to call universal health care "socialized medicine," I get to call private health care "soulless vampires making money off human pain." The problem with President Obama's health care plan isn't socialism, it's capitalism.

And if medicine is for profit, and war, and the news, and the penal system, my question is: what's wrong with firemen? Why don't they charge? They must be commies. Oh my God! That explains the red trucks!

Bill Maher, host of HBO's Real Time with Bill Maher airs Fridays at 10pm

Late-night jokes round-up 26 July 09

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@ 04:53 AM (3 months, 29 days ago)

"Oh my God, Barack Obama's running the old Kenyan Prince birth announcement scam. Here's how it goes: you want to destroy America from the inside but you can't because you're a foreigner. So first, you gotta find yourself a good ol' American to reproduce for you. Then, you have that child on foreign soil, while simultaneously placing the birth announcement of that child in one of our "fringe" state's local newspapers, your Hawaiis, your Alaskas.... And then, hold on, you wait. Until this baby is a middle-aged man. Now the trap is set. You just sit back and let that child go out and win the election for President of the United States. Now here's where the scam gets tricky; they can't just win the popular vote. He or she must have a strategy to win the electoral vote; that's what trips up most drifters. But, if you pull it off, you and your puppet child can sit back and destroy the fabric of the country you both hate so much. It's almost too easy." --Jon Stewart

"This is historic, this is huge in the world of politics. I don't know if you remember a couple of years ago we had that presidential election. And John McCain was running. And he needed a date for the ticket. So he got a hold of the governor of Alaska. And they ran. They didn't win but they ran. And now the governor of Alaska decided that she's quitting. So on Sunday, she's leaving office. And she will officially hand over her sash and her crown to her successor." --David Letterman

"And you know, there's some kind of ethics investigation going on up in Alaska, also involving Governor Palin. I don't know what the ethics violations are, but for our purposes here, let's just say that she robbed a gas station." --David Letterman

"She's stepping down as governor. Leaving the governor's mansion. Next stop, LensCrafters commercial." --David Letterman

"But Sunday will be a big day for Sarah Palin. That's the day she plans to go on her porch and wave goodbye to Russia. Then she'll run back in the House and jiggle the handle." --David Letterman

"Here's news from Pakistan. They believe now, intelligence believes, that a US missile attack about six months ago killed one of Osama bin Laden's sons. And the CIA believes that it was the hot-tempered Sonny." --David Letterman

"But Osama's favorite son, of course, was Osama W. bin Laden. He was - no, he wasn't too bright.'" --David Letterman

"We're learning more and more about Obama's healthcare plan, and if it passes, the healthcare plan, if that passes, President Obama will have the governor of South Carolina neutered. Did you realize that?" --David Letterman

"But the governor of South Carolina, Governor Sanford has lately been seen not wearing his wedding ring. And I was thinking, geez, I hope he didn't lose it while he was hiking on the Appalachian Trail. Then he'll never find it." --David Letterman

"President Obama tried to get a fire going under the lawmakers before the August recess, which is when they take a one-month break in order to visit their girlfriends in South America." --Jimmy Kimmel

"North Korea today launched another attack, but this one of a personal nature against our secretary of state, Hillary Clinton. You've got to love North Korea. They're a great villain. They say crazy things, their leader looks like Ethel Merman, all their missiles are named Dong; they're the best." --Jimmy Kimmel

"But you know who really is opposed to the Obama healthcare plan? The Republicans. Apparently it does not cover breast implants for their mistresses so they think, 'We don't want it. We don't need it.''" --David Letterman

"Interesting reaction to the solar eclipse. Rush Limbaugh says that the solar eclipse proves the unreliability of solar power." --David Letterman

"Here's some sad news from Iran, ladies and gentlemen. Do you know Ahmadinejad, the president of Iran, do you know his vice president has resigned? This guy's main job was ceremonial, his main job was attending funerals. And you know, with Ahmadinejad in charge, that's a full-time gig." --David Letterman

"The vice president 'resigned' and that of course is Iranian for shot and thrown out of a car." --David Letterman

"Economists say the recession getting so bad, it's driving down the prices of many goods. In fact, folks, it has gotten so bad, the 99-cent store just changed its name to 'You know what? Just take it.'" --Conan O'Brien

"You remember before the election, in October and September, and the big convention, all people could talk about was Sarah Palin and John McCain? And now, this is Sarah Palin's last week in office as governor of Alaska. Isn't that crazy? Going back to her old job as IHOP hostess." --David Letterman

[gathered from NYTimes Laughlines]

2009/7/21

Late-night jokes round-up 7/21/09

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@ 07:32 PM (4 months, 3 days ago)

" John McCain's in the news. CNN reports that Senator John McCain has more than a million followers on Twitter. And apparently, every single one of McCain's tweets says, 'The nurse is stealing from me.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Sonia Sotomayor's questioning finally came to an end. Sotomayor said that she had received a 'gracious and fair' hearing. Her exact quote was, 'Thanks a lot, you old honkies. I'm outta here. You can kiss my a**.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Happy birthday to former Senator Larry Craig from Idaho. Sixty-four years old. And if you are wondering where the celebration is, well, it's in the stall with the yellow balloons." --David Letterman

"According to a new poll, 42% of Americans say they would vote for Sarah Palin for president in 2012. They also said they'd support her decision to step down in 2013." --Conan O'Brien

"Gov. Sanford is still trying to recover from his sex scandal. This is the latest. This weekend, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford wrote an editorial apologizing for his behavior. I'm not sure he's sincere, though, because it starts out, 'Dear Penthouse.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced that the United States will build two nuclear plants in India. And here's the weird part about those power plants. They're going to outsource all the jobs to Americans." --Jimmy Fallon

"The governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, is Stepping down from office. Will no longer be the governor of Alaska on Sunday. So right about now, Sarah Palin should be taking her grizzly bear head off the wall and packing it in bubble wrap." --David Letterman

"She's leaving office because she wants to spend more time riding in a helicopter shooting wildlife." --David Letterman

"Looks like Paula Abdul may not be going back to 'American Idol.' And that means President Obama has to nominate another new judge." --David Letterman

"It was that fateful day in July that we planted the Stars and Stripes in the lunar surface, officially claiming the moon as America's space Puerto Rico. It was all ours. It was the culmination of a dream. ... It took us ten years, astronauts' lives, billions of dollars, and all we did is hit a f***ing golf ball? ... I can't help but think, if only there'd been Moon Indians. By now, we'd probably have hourly shuttles to the moon casinos that we had to give them as an apology for the terrible Earthpox epidemic of 1973." --Jon Stewart

"Several weeks ago, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford disappeared without explanation for five days. Now of course, as it turns out, he didn't really disappear. It turns out he was hiking on the Appalachian Trail. Which is a trail that starts in Maine and ends in an Argentine woman's vagina." --Jon Stewart

"Since then, the governor has apologized many times, most recently in an open letter to the people of South Carolina in which he promised to 'trust god in his larger work of changing me.' I thought Reform Judaism was lax! This Christianity thing sounds amazing! See, you're not banging a hot Argentinean woman. You're 'undergoing a religious metamorphosis.' And, you get to do that and eat bacon. I'm in!" --Jon Stewart

"Walter Knonkite influence on the news is still felt today, in that news anchors still wear ties. Other parts of his legacy have become obsolete. For instance, dispassionate reporting is fine for covering the 1968 Chicago Democratic Convention, but not for an issue as complex as Octomom. Sadly, Cronkite's passing is not getting the kind of cable news attention I believe it deserves. I watched the coverage this weekend and I didn't see one helicopter shot of his home. I don't even think his family has booked the Staples Center yet." --Stephen Colbert

"The tag Republicans kept throwing to hang aroundSonia Sotomayor's neck was 'reverse racist.' They said, you know, it's reverse racists like her that give regular racists like them a bad name." --Bill Maher

"It looks like healthcare reform really is gaining momentum and is going to happen. Now of course Republicans say the plan is too confusing, too convoluted, but you know, these are the same people who say they can make sense out of a Sarah Palin speech." --Bill Maher

"I know where I'm going to go on my next break. I'm going to the C Street House in Washington, D.C. You know what this is? It's kind of a frat house for Christian congressman, where they live and pray together and counsel each other on how to adhere to the nine commandments." --Bill Maher

"I say the nine commandments because Gov. Sanford hung out there, John Ensign, the Senator from Nevada who was banging his chief of staff's wife, he lives there. And now a third alumnus, a former Republican congressman named Chip Pickering, has also been exposed for cheating on his wife, apparently actually in the house. It kind of makes you miss those innocent days when Republicans just tried to blow a stranger in an airport bathroom." --Bill Maher

[gathered from NYTimes Laughlines]