SoonerBlue

"There are some people who are saying that maybe Dick Cheney is setting himself up to actually run for president. You know, it makes sense. Republicans are looking for fresh blood, and Cheney just had some yesterday." --Bill Maher

"The other day George Bush gave a speech at a graduating high school class. He wondered why they didn't give him an honorary degree, but that's another story. It's interesting, he said he finds not being president liberating. Agreed." --Bill Maher

"He told the kids it's interesting the way life turns out, and now he finds himself walking the dog and picking up poop. Finally, something he can actually find. He couldn't find Osama, he couldn't find the weapons of mass destruction. If only we'd be attacked by dog s**t, we'd be OK." –Bill Maher

"Oh, poor George Bush, picking up after some unthinking creature's mess. Well, now he knows how Osama feels." --Bill Maher

"They put a provision in the credit card bill to let people carry guns in national parks. So when you're buried under a mountain of debt, at least you have a scenic place to go kill yourself." --Bill Maher

"Nobody knows debt like California. We had a special election, and they rejected all the proposals Gov. Schwarzenegger suggested to save the state from going under. Very bad day for him. He said he has not been this humiliated since the '80s when he took an acting class." --Bill Maher

"We're $26 billion in the hole. I don't want to say it's bad, but today Mexico announced they're building a border fence." --Bill Maher

"There was sort of an unprecedented event this week when Obama was on television giving his version of national security, and then moments later Dick Cheney was on. It was all about Obama vs. Cheney: yes we can vs. go f**k yourself , biracial vs. bicentennial; walks with a spring, craps in a bag." --Bill Maher

"Defense Secretary Robert Gates said the other day that the prison at Guantanamo Bay has become a taint on the reputation of America. And that's what the Bush administration will always be remembered as -- America's taint." --Bill Maher

[From HBO's Real Time with Bill Maher]

Well, this is surprising. A new survey shows that the happiest Americans are elderly, male, and Republican. In other words, Republican." --Jimmy Fallon

"You think security in Washington is so good? A Capitol police report said that a drunken man spent several hours wandering through the Hart Senate Office Building late at night, after he parked his car in the garage, staggered into the building drunk, didn't get stopped or challenged by anybody. Security didn't do anything to the guy. In fact, they first realized he wasn't a real senator when, after three hours, he hadn't groped anybody, raised taxes or taken a bribe." --Jay Leno

"This week marks the 54th anniversary of the invention of the credit card. See, before that, people practiced something called 'living within their means' -- a foolish, foolish, outmoded way of life." --Jay Leno

"At the White House the other night, President Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama hosted a night of poetry and music featuring musicians, authors and poets, to which President Bush said, 'Now, that's torture.'" --Jay Leno

"Both President Obama and Dick Cheney gave competing speeches on national security and terrorism. It's kind of like 'American Idol' except one of them got voted off months ago." --Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama and former Vice President Dick Cheney gave speeches on torture. Now, is it me or have we seen more of Dick Cheney in the last week than we did in the past eight years? Anyway, the President spoke out against torture, while Cheney's speech was more of a how-to discussion." --Jay Leno

"Hey, President Obama has found a way to quickly close Guantanamo Bay. He's going to turn it into a Pontiac dealership." --Jay Leno

"And according to a Massachusetts educational official, 73 percent of the people who take the state elementary school teacher licensing test fail the math part. In my home state, Massachusetts, 73 percent of teachers taking the math test fail. That's almost half." --Jay Leno

"And according to a Rasmussen poll, when asked if English should be America's official language, 85 percent of the people said, 'Si.'" --Jay Leno

"Torture. That is the story that just will not go away in this country, and now with Nabcy Pelosi in the middle of it. Yes, Republicans keep changing their story on torture. First it was, 'We didn't torture.' Then it was, 'Okay we tortured, but it worked.' And now it's, 'Nancy Pelosi said we could! She said it was okay!'" --Bill Maher

"Newt Gingrich has been all over TV. He called Nancy Pelosi a 'trivial politician.' Pretty strong words from a guy who goes on CNN just to swipe food from the green room. A 'trivial politician,' as opposed to Newt himself, who is a very serious, unemployed fat guy who runs a think tank out of his basement." --Bill Maher

"I'll tell you what I'm pissed off at. Obama was speaking at Arizona State University, and they denied him an honorary degree, because his body of work, according to them, is 'yet to come.' This is Arizona State University, the ultimate dumbass party school? You know when strippers say they're 'working their way through college?' This is the college. You can have a double major in binging and purging at this school. But Obama's not good enough for an honorary degree. The first black president of the Harvard Law Review, got more votes than anyone who ever ran for president. He's been on 'Oprah!'' --Bill Maher

[gathered from NYTimes Laughlines and HBO's Real Time with Bill Maher]

"Everybody is excited about the economy getting better and you kind of feel it everywhere you go. People have a smile on their face and a spring in their step. Here's how you know the economy is actually starting to turn around a little bit. I saw Donald trump earlier today, and that thing on his head was wagging." --David Letterman

"It's nice to have someone like President Obama and his wife. Did you know this? They still take time out once a week to have a date night. I used to have a date night but marriage put an end to that." --David Letterman

"President Obama may choose a Supreme Court nominee by the end of the week. That's fast. Nothing against the President, but doesn't it worry you that it took him 10 times longer to decide on a dog?" --Craig Ferguson

"Here's an unusual story. Only in Louisiana! I love Louisiana politics. This is my favorite. A porn star named Stormy Daniels is now embarking on a listening tour of the state of Louisiana. She's considering running for the Senate. A porn star running for the Senate. Porn to politics. That's kind of a lateral move, isn't it?" --Jay Leno

"And today, President Barack Obama promised to 'detect and pursue' American tax evaders, as opposed to his first 100 days, in which he detected and nominated American tax evaders." --Jay Leno

"The White House announced that Vice President Joe Biden has laryngitis. Yeah. They said that he has a rare strain they hope lasts until 2012." --Jay Leno

"And former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice told a group of fourth graders that the Bush Administration never used torture to interrogate terrorist suspects. Condoleezza spoke to the fourth graders using simple, uncomplicated words that they could easily understand. Same way she explained it to President Bush. Almost verbatim." --Jay Leno

"Man, it was hot today. I was sweating like John Edwards watching his wife on 'Oprah.'" --Jay Leno

"No, this is true. A criminal grand jury is now probing whether or not Edwards illegally gave $114,000 from his political action committee to his mistress. Edwards said it was proper use of action committee money because he said, hey, he was getting plenty of action." --Jay Leno

"Ooh, I can't wait to see the ratings on this -- Elizabeth Edwards was discussing her marriage on 'Oprah.' And this weekend, John Edwards will discuss his marriage on 'Cheaters.'" --Jay Leno

"They taped the show earlier in the week and they've been showing little snippets of it. And when Oprah asks about their marriage, Elizabeth says, 'Neither one of us is out the door.' But believe me. One of them is on the couch." --Jay Leno

"There were signs that John Edwards was not the most faithful guy in the world, you know. Like, Elizabeth told Oprah that she asked John for one gift before their wedding, to be faithful. But after Elizabeth made this request, John stopped looking in the mirror and said, 'Huh? I'm sorry. Did you say something?'" --Jay Leno

"Actually, The New York Daily News is reporting that John Edwards' mistress is mad about all this publicity, and she is now demanding a paternity test. Well, good luck getting John Edwards to give up a strand of hair. Never happen." --Jay Leno

"And Federal authorities are now investigating how John Edwards spent his campaign money. Well, we know what he didn't spend it on — condoms!" --Jay Leno

"The economy is in bad shape. In fact, the economy is so bad, John Edwards is giving his mistress IOUs." --Jay Leno

"As you may have heard, there was a little controversy when some semi-nude photos of Miss California leaked out. The really bad news is that they were taken by John Edwards." --Jay Leno

"President Obama announced today plans to either trim or eliminate 121 programs. The programs he wants to eliminate -- Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh, Bill O'Reilly." --Jay Leno

"Here is something that's causing a huge controversy here in California. Our governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, says it's time to start the debate on legalizing marijuana. Yeah. He says he 'wants some pot in every pot.'" --Jay Leno

"Of course, people in Los Angeles are split on this. Half want it legalized, the other half think it's already legal." --Jay Leno

"Actually, the University of California says they may start a marijuana research center. Really? I thought the University of California was a marijuana research center." --Jay Leno

"And government bureaucrats in China have been ordered to smoke more locally produced cigarettes in order to set an example for citizens and stimulate the Chinese cigarette industry. And health officials are worried that smoking could become the number one cause of death now because of this government mandate. But do you know what the number one cause of death is in China now? Disobeying a government mandate. So, you're kind of stuck." --Jay Leno

"In Tennessee, lawmakers are planning to build a statue of Al Gore on the grounds of the state capitol. They say that the new statue will look just like Al Gore, except a little more lifelike." --Jimmy Fallon

"And President Obama held a White House Cinco de Mayo celebration this week, where he honored the Mexican people and he spoke Spanish. See, that shows you how far we've come as a country. Think about this. Where a half Kenyan/American president with an Arabic middle name can speak Spanish to a bunch of English-speaking reporters whose bankrupt newspapers are now owned by the Chinese. See what I'm saying? That's crazy. What a great country." --Jay Leno

"Happy Cinco de Mayo, everybody. Now, do you know the history of Cinco de Mayo? Well, Cinco de Mayo celebrates the Mexicans driving the French out of Mexico in 1862. See, I am so glad the Mexicans won that one. Imagine if the French had won. Mexico would not only have swine flu, they'd be rude and chain smoking, too." --Jay Leno

"Well, this flu epidemic thing has become international. Mexico has filed a formal complaint against the country of China for seizing 70 of its citizens and quarantining them. China seized 70 people from Mexico, and Mexico said it was shocked. And, of course, the U.S. was stunned. Seventy? That's more than we've seized all year. Come on!" --Jay Leno

"And health officials have confirmed the first case of the virus being transmitted from a person to a pig. A farmer has transmitted the virus back to a pig. Scientists say they have not been able to come up with a good explanation on how this happened and neither has the farmer." --Jay Leno

[gathered from NYTimes Laughlines]