" John McCain's in the news. CNN reports that Senator John McCain has more than a million followers on Twitter. And apparently, every single one of McCain's tweets says, 'The nurse is stealing from me.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Sonia Sotomayor's questioning finally came to an end. Sotomayor said that she had received a 'gracious and fair' hearing. Her exact quote was, 'Thanks a lot, you old honkies. I'm outta here. You can kiss my a**.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Happy birthday to former Senator Larry Craig from Idaho. Sixty-four years old. And if you are wondering where the celebration is, well, it's in the stall with the yellow balloons." --David Letterman
"According to a new poll, 42% of Americans say they would vote for Sarah Palin for president in 2012. They also said they'd support her decision to step down in 2013." --Conan O'Brien
"Gov. Sanford is still trying to recover from his sex scandal. This is the latest. This weekend, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford wrote an editorial apologizing for his behavior. I'm not sure he's sincere, though, because it starts out, 'Dear Penthouse.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced that the United States will build two nuclear plants in India. And here's the weird part about those power plants. They're going to outsource all the jobs to Americans." --Jimmy Fallon
"The governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, is Stepping down from office. Will no longer be the governor of Alaska on Sunday. So right about now, Sarah Palin should be taking her grizzly bear head off the wall and packing it in bubble wrap." --David Letterman
"She's leaving office because she wants to spend more time riding in a helicopter shooting wildlife." --David Letterman
"Looks like Paula Abdul may not be going back to 'American Idol.' And that means President Obama has to nominate another new judge." --David Letterman
"It was that fateful day in July that we planted the Stars and Stripes in the lunar surface, officially claiming the moon as America's space Puerto Rico. It was all ours. It was the culmination of a dream. ... It took us ten years, astronauts' lives, billions of dollars, and all we did is hit a f***ing golf ball? ... I can't help but think, if only there'd been Moon Indians. By now, we'd probably have hourly shuttles to the moon casinos that we had to give them as an apology for the terrible Earthpox epidemic of 1973." --Jon Stewart
"Several weeks ago, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford disappeared without explanation for five days. Now of course, as it turns out, he didn't really disappear. It turns out he was hiking on the Appalachian Trail. Which is a trail that starts in Maine and ends in an Argentine woman's vagina." --Jon Stewart
"Since then, the governor has apologized many times, most recently in an open letter to the people of South Carolina in which he promised to 'trust god in his larger work of changing me.' I thought Reform Judaism was lax! This Christianity thing sounds amazing! See, you're not banging a hot Argentinean woman. You're 'undergoing a religious metamorphosis.' And, you get to do that and eat bacon. I'm in!" --Jon Stewart
"Walter Knonkite influence on the news is still felt today, in that news anchors still wear ties. Other parts of his legacy have become obsolete. For instance, dispassionate reporting is fine for covering the 1968 Chicago Democratic Convention, but not for an issue as complex as Octomom. Sadly, Cronkite's passing is not getting the kind of cable news attention I believe it deserves. I watched the coverage this weekend and I didn't see one helicopter shot of his home. I don't even think his family has booked the Staples Center yet." --Stephen Colbert
"The tag Republicans kept throwing to hang aroundSonia Sotomayor's neck was 'reverse racist.' They said, you know, it's reverse racists like her that give regular racists like them a bad name." --Bill Maher
"It looks like healthcare reform really is gaining momentum and is going to happen. Now of course Republicans say the plan is too confusing, too convoluted, but you know, these are the same people who say they can make sense out of a Sarah Palin speech." --Bill Maher
"I know where I'm going to go on my next break. I'm going to the C Street House in Washington, D.C. You know what this is? It's kind of a frat house for Christian congressman, where they live and pray together and counsel each other on how to adhere to the nine commandments." --Bill Maher
"I say the nine commandments because Gov. Sanford hung out there, John Ensign, the Senator from Nevada who was banging his chief of staff's wife, he lives there. And now a third alumnus, a former Republican congressman named Chip Pickering, has also been exposed for cheating on his wife, apparently actually in the house. It kind of makes you miss those innocent days when Republicans just tried to blow a stranger in an airport bathroom." --Bill Maher
[gathered from NYTimes Laughlines]
