SoonerBlue

"I know why you're happy today: racism is over, and we did it with beer. We did it with beer! See, this is the change we can believe in, that Obama was always talking about. Black Americans and white Americans coming together to get shitfaced. When you think about what could have been accomplished if they lit up a joint. Wow. ... If they had lit up a joint and then said, 'This incident is completely forgotten,' that would really have the ring of truth." --Bill Maher

"No, it was a great summit, the beer summit, and I think it's important to note what Sergeant Crowley said. He said, 'It's funny. The guys back at the station always joke how they wished they had a beer for every time a black man was arrested. And now it came true.'" --Bill Maher

"I don't think he's a racist. I don't. I think he's a cop. Seriously. But there was one little awkward moment when he arrived at the White House and got out of the car and he threw Obama the keys." --Bill Maher

"And then, when Sonia Sotomayor came out with the guacamole, I said, 'What the hell is going on here?' ... People were so fascinated about what beer they were drinking. Apparently Gates had Red Stripe. ... And Crowley had Blue Moon. And Obama, just to screw with the conservatives, had a forty of King Cobra." --Bill Maher

"Now, this was awkward. He actually had a Bud Light. At one point, Obama said he had Bud. And the professor took out his pipe." --Bill Maher

"But apparently, it went so well that the professor and Crowley plan to meet again. But not at the White House. It's a little tense there." --Bill Maher

"They want to meet at a place where both men just feel comfortable walking into. Like Gates' house. And if that goes well, then they're going to be paired up on 'Dancing With The Stars.'" --Bill Maher

"Now, interesting, Obama having his problems now with the public. His health care program slipping in the public approval rating." --Bill Maher

"Only 42% of Republicans believe Obama was born in the United States. That's an amazing statistic. How come in America, Christians are the ones who won't take anything on faith?" --Bill Maher

"But a lot is sliding around him. But one program that is an unqualified success that's working, the Cash for Clunkers. Have you done this? Have you traded in your clunker? See, you can take your old gas-guzzling clunker to your GM dealer and trade it in for a new, gas-guzzling clunker. 250,000 people have already done this. ... For the first time in years, people in Kentucky can see their front yard." --Bill Maher

"Some people have misunderstood this concept of trading old for new. For example, today, South Carolina Governor Sanford tried to drop off his wife" --Bill Maher

[From HBO's Real Time with Bill Maher]

"Gay marriage is now legal in five states. This is not one of them, so hold your breath. It's pretty much anywhere in New England now you can be as gay as you want to be. I don't know if this has anything to do with it, but L.L. Bean now is selling assless chinos." --Bill Maher

"Did you see the president and the vice president go out to lunch at that greasy spoon? Apparently, these guys got hungry -- I think they were stoned -- they jumped in their limos, they drove to Virginia, picking up Harold and Kumar along the way. I love Joe Biden, but he is a little gaffe-prone, because he went up to the counter and said, a burger for me, and fried chicken for my friend here." --Bill Maher

"Don't start with me, survivors of swine flu. Boy, last week, it was the pandemic that was going to wipe out the human race. This week, a great way to lose a little weight for bikini season. So, good news for you California housewives. You can go back to screwing your gardener." --Bill Maher

"But in Mexico, they are still taking precautions. The sex show, in Tijuana? The donkey now wears a condom." --Bill Maher

"What a panicky nation this is. In one week, we went from the hell pox to, now, the Center for Disease Control is having to warn people not to have swine flu parties. I swear to God, people were having swine flu parties, where they would infect each other on purpose, to build up the immunity." --Bill Maher

"I am starting to really worry about the Republican Party. I mean, last week they lost Arlen Specter. You know who they lost this week? Joe the plumber. Joe the plumber is quitting the Republican Party. This is like the Grateful Dead losing stoners." --Bill Maher

"Joe the plumber said at first he was flattered the Republicans were asking him for advice, and then one day, he remembered, he's a moron." --Bill Maher

"Dick Cheney was on the news this week, and he said that it would be a mistake for the Republicans to moderate their policies. He said they should remain true to their core principles: gay bashing, war profiteering and torture." --Bill Maher

"It looks like a catfight is breaking out among the Republican Party's younger members, both of them, because Bristol Palin is on an abstinence tour, promoting abstinence. What a good person to do that. And she says abstinence is the only thing that works." --Bill Maher

"You did hear about John Edwards, didn't you? Yes, Elizabeth Edwards was on 'Oprah' this week to let the world know the pain of being married to that lying, cheating son-of-a-bitch, John Edwards. She said for years, she believed his vision of two Americas, until she found out he was getting laid in one of them." --Bill Maher

"She told Oprah, he's a really good man who did a very bad thing. But if you take that one thing out of it, we had a perfect marriage. It sounds to me like she's trying to get America to forgive John, because Lord knows she ain't!" --Bill Maher

[From HBO's Real Time with Bill Maher]

Dang if we ain't found someone who'll spout off and not apologize to Rush Limbaugh - John McCain's 97 y/o mother.

Roberta McCain went on the Jay Leno show and dismissed talk show hyena Rush Limbaugh...said that Republican National Committee chair Michael Steele's assessment of Limbaugh as an "entertainer" was "exactly right"...and she blasted Steele for backing down on his own dismissal of Rush.

"I think that the chairman of the Republican Party, Steele, was exactly right when he defined this man as an entertainer, and to my horror the Republican Party made him back up on it," she said.

The audience broke into loud applause when she said, "What [Rush] thinks about or represents about the Republican Party has nothing to do with my side of it...I don't know what the man means. I don't know what he's talking about."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x5YJoFHPqog&feature=player_embedded

Are we sure that wasn't a Roberta McCain doll used by some evil, gay, liberal ventriloquist.

More here...

Roberta is probably still fired up because last month Rush called for her son and granddaughter Meghan to be thrown out of the Republican party...saying that people who aren't really Republicans should just follow Arlen Specter and defect to the Democrats.

Limbaugh's response to Roberta? "McCain's mother is dumping on me! She is absolutely right. The Republican Party she belongs to gets shellacked, election after election."

Really? I sort of thought the Party Rush belongs to hasn't been doing all that well either...

Anyway, Roberta is plenty feisty, so Rush better be careful. He's too big a wimp to have a good go at Wanda Sykes - she can fight back with a razor tongue...and don't forget how big bad Rush mocked an actor who has a debilitating terminal disease.

This is how entertaining Rush can be. Back in the day of his failed TV show, he talked about Clinton’s cat Socks and then asked "Did you know there is a White House dog?" and held up a pic of 12 year old Chelsea. Wasn't that classy?

Actually, it was John McCain who came up with the joke about lil’ Chelsea being so ugly because she was the spawn of Janet Reno...

Hmmm, John...I'm gonna tell your mama on you...

"Are you ready for the next outbreak that sounds really scary, so the media's freaking out? Swine flu. Have you heard that? Yes, apparently swine flu has appeared in the U.S. This particular virus started in Mexico, and spread from pigs to humans. Probably during spring break. I'm sorry, have I offended pigs? I apologize." --Bill Maher

"President Obama hauled in the presidents of the credit card companies and said the days of tricky fine print and sudden rate increases and late fees are over. And he also demanded to know what kind of screwed up, cracker name was MasterCard." --Bill Maher

"Unemployment is continually rising, foreclosures are through the roof. I saw a bumper sticker the other day that said, 'If this van's a-rockin', it's because we live here now.'" --Bill Maher

"Of course, the really big news is what's going on in Washington, and Obama opening the door, now, to prosecuting former Bush officials about torture, or, as they call it, severe interrogation procedures, which include waterboarding, sleep deprivation, forced nudity. We have outlawed all of these practices, although they are still challenges on 'The Love of Ray-J,' which is a television show." --Bill Maher

"It's interesting how the progression changes with the Republicans. First, when they talked about torture, it was, 'Well, there's just a few bad apples.' Then it was, 'Okay, we did it a couple of times.' Then it was not really torture, and now, it works." --Bill Maher

"They first said they tortured this Khaled Sheikh Mohammed -- and by the way, if there's anyone who deserved it, it was him -- but first they said they did it once. Now it comes out 183 times that they waterboarded this motherf**ker in a month. This comes out to six times in a day. I would think after that, you get used to it. He was showing up at his torture sessions in flip flops and a beach towel, with a Danielle Steele novel. 'Would you like sparkling or flat waterboarding today, sir?'" --Bill Maher

"No, it is fun watching the Republicans trying to defend torture, because they insist that what's wrong with the Democrats on this issue is they don't get what it's like in the 'real world.' And, to prove it, they cite Jack Bauer, a character from a television show." --Bill Maher

"Dick Cheney is all over television defending this. He said yesterday, he would be happy to undergo waterboarding himself, but his heart might rust." --Bill Maher

Groups currently more relevant than Republicans include the Eskimo Film Society, the American Ferret Breeders Club -- and the Itty Bitty Tittie Committee.

"The Republican base is behaving like a guy who just got dumped by his wife.That's what you are, the bitter divorced guy whose country has left him -- obsessing over it, haranguing it, blubbering one minute about how much you love it and vowing the next that if you cannot have it, nobody will."

The GOP: divorced from reality

By Bill Maher, April 24, 2009

If conservatives don't want to be seen as bitter people who cling to their guns and religion and anti-immigrant sentiments, they should stop being bitter and clinging to their guns, religion and anti-immigrant sentiments.

It's been a week now, and I still don't know what those "tea bag" protests were about. I saw signs protesting abortion, illegal immigrants, the bank bailout and that gay guy who's going to win "American Idol." But it wasn't tax day that made them crazy; it was election day. Because that's when Republicans became what they fear most: a minority.

The conservative base is absolutely apoplectic because, because ... well, nobody knows. They're mad as hell, and they're not going to take it anymore. Even though they're not quite sure what "it" is. But they know they're fed up with "it," and that "it" has got to stop.

Here are the big issues for normal people: the war, the economy, the environment, mending fences with our enemies and allies, and the rule of law.

And here's the list of Republican obsessions since President Obama took office: that his birth certificate is supposedly fake, he uses a teleprompter too much, he bowed to a Saudi guy, Europeans like him, he gives inappropriate gifts, his wife shamelessly flaunts her upper arms, and he shook hands with Hugo Chavez and slipped him the nuclear launch codes.

Do these sound like the concerns of a healthy, vibrant political party?

It's sad what's happened to the Republicans. They used to be the party of the big tent; now they're the party of the sideshow attraction, a socially awkward group of mostly white people who speak a language only they understand. Like Trekkies, but paranoid.

The GOP base is convinced that Obama is going to raise their taxes, which he just lowered. But, you say, "Bill, that's just the fringe of the Republican Party." No, it's not. The governor of Texas, Rick Perry, is not afraid to say publicly that thinking out loud about Texas seceding from the Union is appropriate considering that ... Obama wants to raise taxes 3% on 5% of the people? I'm not sure exactly what Perry's independent nation would look like, but I'm pretty sure it would be free of taxes and Planned Parenthood. And I would have to totally rethink my position on a border fence.

I know. It's not about what Obama's done. It's what he's planning. But you can't be sick and tired of something someone might do.

Republican Rep. Michele Bachmann of Minnesota recently said she fears that Obama will build "reeducation" camps to indoctrinate young people. But Obama hasn't made any moves toward taking anyone's guns, and with money as tight as it is, the last thing the president wants to do is run a camp where he has to shelter and feed a bunch of fat, angry white people.

Look, I get it, "real America." After an eight-year run of controlling the White House, Congress and the Supreme Court, this latest election has you feeling like a rejected husband. You've come home to find your things out on the front lawn -- or at least more things than you usually keep out on the front lawn. You're not ready to let go, but the country you love is moving on. And now you want to call it a whore and key its car.

That's what you are, the bitter divorced guy whose country has left him -- obsessing over it, haranguing it, blubbering one minute about how much you love it and vowing the next that if you cannot have it, nobody will.

But it's been almost 100 days, and your country is not coming back to you. She's found somebody new. And it's a black guy.

The healthy thing to do is to just get past it and learn to cherish the memories. You'll always have New Orleans and Abu Ghraib.

And if today's conservatives are insulted by this, because they feel they're better than the people who have the microphone in their party, then I say to them what I would say to moderate Muslims: Denounce your radicals. To paraphrase George W. Bush, either you're with them or you're embarrassed by them.

The thing that you people out of power have to remember is that the people in power are not secretly plotting against you. They don't need to. They already beat you in public.

Bill Maher is the host of HBO's "Real Time with Bill Maher."