SoonerBlue

New Rule: Netflix must stop renting to Orangutans. Or whatever you're doing with the DVD before you get it to me. Look, I love a good mystery involving a grisly, violent, spattered crime scene, but that should be in the movie, not on the envelope, okay.

New Rule: If you Nobel people want to keep your prize legit, don't have Toby Keith perform at your awards concert.

It's true. The entertainment for this year's Nobel Prize gala includes, yes, "Cletis McF*cknuts." And his "gee-tar." That's like saying, "Welcome, smart people. And now for an opposing view."

New Rule: God needs to inspire better artists. You know, the Lord used to inspire people like Michelangelo and Rembrandt. Now, he inspires cheeseballs like Jon McNaughton, whose latest masterpiece depicts Jesus handing America the Constitution as a bunch of dead patriots look on. It's like "Where's Waldo?" for wingnuts.

New Rule: Stop bringing me the phone book! The last time anyone ever needed a phone book was 1988! And that was a cop using it to beat a suspect! If you're dropping a bag off on my porch, it had better be full of weed.

And finally, New Rule: Everyone deserves equal rights. That's why they're called "equal" and "rights." President Obama will speak before a gay rights group, and on Sunday, there will be a massive gay rally in Washington. Or, as I call it, the "Million Mo March." Which makes this weekend the perfect time for the president to announce he's repealing "Don't Ask, Don't Tell," a policy that never made sense to begin with. A policy that basically said, "Here in the Army, we're all about honor and trusting the man next to you. Now, lie to my face about your sexuality, Johnson, or I'll report you behind your back."

But, forget all the good arguments for appeal, like, because it's the right thing to do, or because it was promised in the campaign, or because it gets lonely on a submarine. Do it because it will make Rush Limbaugh explode like a bag full of meat dropped from a helicopter.

Do it because it'll make Sarah Palin "go rogue" in her pants.

Because, here's the thing about today's conservatives. They're not bright. They can't keep a lot of ideas in their head at once. And, by "a lot," I mean two. If we can get them all worked up about fighting the gay menace, it will siphon away all that crazy town hall energy from the healthcare debate.

You see, the "teabaggers" don't know what the word "socialism" means, but they do know what the word "gay" means because their hairdresser explained it to them once, and they don't like it. They will be drawn to this like a moth to a flamer.

These people are homophobic. They have an image of one gay couple moving into the neighborhood, and the next day, waking up to guys rollerblading down Main Street in nothing but a Speedo and a nun's habit. With a sparkler in one hand and a penis popsicle in the other. Yes, that was a nice day.

No, what I mean to say is that the Democrats should take advantage that the rage of the "teabaggers" can be so easily redirected. Sometimes I wonder if Rush doesn't just spin a giant "wheel of hate" every morning to come up with whatever he's going to get the faithful all worked up about: "Mexicans! Rrrr!" "Socialism! Rrrr!" "Van Jones? I don't know who he is, but Rrrr!"

And "gay" is the best "Rrrr!" of all. Healthcare and the environment, they're complicated. But, it's not hard to keep track of the places that God allows you to put your pee-pee. I mean, you can count those places on one hand. And that hand isn't something you should be using either.

So, Obama should fight fire with Fire Island. Not only should he revoke "Don't Ask, Don't Tell," he should also change our military slogan to "An Army of Buns."

And, starting next year, a new policy: Gay Bussing. Yes, if there aren't any gay families in your community, we'll bring them to you.

[From HBO's Real Time with Bill Maher]

New Rule: Froot Loops are not a health food. Some of the big food companies have started giving their products "Smart Choice" check marks so shoppers will know they're healthful. You know, like a creep in the park will carry a puppy so kids will know he's friendly. Healthful? Froot Loops? When I saw this, I threw a tantrum in the cereal aisle.

New Rule: Shut up, Grandpa! This week, ancient pop singer Andy Williams announced he thinks Obama is a Marxist who wants the country to fail. And then he made "Moon River" in his diapers. Actually, it's not so shocking Andy Williams says Obama is a communist. It's shocking Andy Williams is alive. He doesn't do shows. He has viewings.You know, like a funeral.

And finally, New Rule: Stop pretending climate change is a future problem. In the past few years, scientists as well as regular folks have been able to observe climate change by using a state-of-the-art instrument: our eyes.

Did you see the pictures a couple of weeks ago from Australia? [slide of massive Australian dust storm] This is what happens when an overheated fire produces a new kind of super-drought. And experts say Los Angeles, which just had the largest wildfire ever, could be next to get what happened to Australia. Do you want to live on Mars?

Fire season used to last four months out here. Now it's all year 'round, and that can't be good for tourism. Travelers like warm weather, not hell.

Now, here's a prediction: You know those old white people we've been seeing screaming, "Socialism" and "death panels"? Well, in a few weeks, they're going to be screaming, "Copenhagen!" in honor of the brand of chewing tobacco they like to spit at hippies.

Actually, Copenhagen is where Obama will be returning in December for a long-overdue, worldwide conclave about our melting planet. And while he's in Copenhagen, the president is going to be shadowed by Senator James Inhofe, Republican from "Hee Haw" who insists that global warming is a hoax, a plot by liberals to get Ed Begley an Oscar, and destroy the very core of our freedoms, the plastic bag industry.

Now, this man is the ranking Republican on the Environment Committee in Congress. He has no science background whatsoever, yet he's going to tell the hundreds of climate scientists assembled in Copenhagen -- you know, the people with the Ph.D.'s in the relevant fields -- that they don't know what they're talking about.

Education means nothing in America, because Mr. Inhofe is hardly alone. Three-quarters of the Republican Congress basically agrees with him, and they're even pivoting from their old excuse of "global warming needs more study" to "oh, shit, it's too late; well, what are you going to do; might as well keep burning coal."

Congressman Joe Barton says the answer to massive climate change is simply to adapt. Which is why he has a giant ark in his garage. These people are so stupid, they make me question evolution.

Adapt?! You know, sometimes when the forests are on fire out here, you can smell it all day. And you can see it. The air is soot. I don't want to adapt to that! I don't want to have to walk around in Michael Jackson's old surgical mask and have to explain why my eyes are red and bloodshot, any more than I already do.

President Obama and the Democrats in Congress need to learn a lesson from the healthcare debate and realize you can't change someone's mind if they don't have one.

So, just STOP LISTENING to these people. To paraphrase John Lennon, "Imagine there's no John Boehner; it's easy if you try."

And the rest of us need to get in this game, too. Because when the "teabaggers" find out that Obama is acting all Al Gore-like up there in Copenhagen, they're going to say that it's more of his socialist agenda, and that he's taking his marching orders from Sweden. Because they don't know that Copenhagen is in Denmark.

[From HBO's Real Time with Bill Maher]

"You hear about Letterman? I was shocked that Letterman has been having affairs. I had no idea he was even running for office." --Bill Maher

"I just wanted to say, so you know here, I have never had sex with anyone on my staff. The guests, of course, yes. I mean, that's part of the job, but never the staff." --Bill Maher

"A producer for '48 Hours' was arrested for attempting a stupid human trick. It was reported that the blackmailer was saying he was going to reveal embarrassing details about Letterman's life. For instance, after sex he would say, 'Stay tuned for Craig Ferguson.'" --Seth Meyers

"There's a new book out called "why women have sex" that has a list of 237 reasons why women have sex. And Letterman knows the top ten." --Jimmy Fallon

"Hey, how about this? President Obama goes to Denmark and he's trying to get the 2016 Olympics for the great city of Chicago. And he presented his case in a heartfelt manner but they weren't buying it. And boy, do I know what that feels like." --David Letterman

"So what NASA is doing, they're crashing a rocket, which will have the energy of two tons of TNT It's part of NASA's new strategy, 'What would Wile E. Coyote do?'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Here is some very good news. At NASA, the countdown is on. After years of wasting taxpayer money on research to increase the quality of life here on Earth and all that rubbish, NASA is finally doing something cool. They're blowing up the moon!" --Craig Ferguson

"There's been some squabbling in the Republican Party. In a recent interview, John McCain's former campaign manager said that if Sarah Palin is the Republican Party's presidential nominee, the results will be catastrophic -- as opposed to when she was the vice presidential nominee and everything went perfectly." --Conan O'Brien

"Hey, listen to this. According to reports from the Daily Telegraph, Iranian President Mahmoud Amedinejad is part Jewish. He has Jewish ancestry. Well, this is great. You know, he's anti-Semitic. Now he can just kill himself." --Jay Leno

"Governor Schwarzenegger said if he comes back to California, there should be no special treatment for Roman Polanski. I think that's what he said. It was that or 'I'm going to Japan to ski.' I don't know what he said." --Jay Leno

"I know why you're happy tonight. Because after all these months of seeing these tea baggers hold up signs of Obama with the Hitler mustache painted on, we have proof now that Obama isn't Hitler. Because when Hitler tried to get the Olympics he got it." --Bill Maher

"Hey, you can't say they didn't try from Chicago. They pulled out all the stops. The president went over there, the first lady, Oprah. Even Rod Blagojevich phoned in a bribe." --Bill Maher

Well, let's be big about it. Congratulations to the citizens of Rio de Janeiro. They spent all day today partying, doing the samba in the streets with the breasts hanging out and then they heard about the Olympics and then they were even more thrilled." --Bill Maher

"With the Olympic Committee, it came down to one simple question -- where do you want to go to spend your summer vacation? The land where super models invented bikini wax? The land where fat guys invented deep dish pizza?" --Bill Maher

"That's the difference between Bush and Obama. When Obama bombs in another country, nobody gets killed." --Bill Maher

"Oh, on 'Dancing with the Stars,' former Congressman Tom DeLay almost dropped his partner. I guess all those years of lobbyists greasing his palms, apparently he just couldn't … " --Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin's book is big, 400 pages. She wrote the book herself and agonized over every word, and so will you." --David Letterman

"The big news was the Senate yesterday - the finance committee - rejected the Democrats' health-care plan, the one with the public option. Meanwhile, the Republicans are offering their own health-care plan. It's called, 'Stop Crying and Take an Advil.'" --Jimmy Fallon

[gathered from NYTimes Laughlines]