SoonerBlue

"A 66-year-old deputy U.S. Attorney General in South Carolina, home of Governor Mark Sanford. You know him. The guy's name is Roland Corning. He's lost his job, got fired, after police discovered him in a cemetery with an 18-year-old stripper, a bag of sex toys, and a bottle of Viagra. ... But to be fair, people do grieve differently" –Jay Leno

"This is interesting. One of the top selling costumes this Halloween is a vampire version of President Obama called 'Barackula.' Also very popular is the vampire version of former Vice President Dick Cheney, called 'Dick Cheney.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Do people still bob for apples? Anybody bob for apples for God's sakes? Bobbing for apples or as Dick Cheney calls it, apple boarding." –David Letterman

"I bet you you go to Dick Cheney's house, trick-or-treating he is one of those guys that tells you you are going to have to spend the night because the bridge is out." –David Letterman

"Now everybody's fine, but CNN's Lou Dobbs recently had to call the police because someone fired shots at his home. Yeah. Dobbs said he didn't see or hear the shooter, but described him as Hispanic." –Conan O'Brien

"A new poll from CNN found that more than 70% of Americans said that Sarah Palin is not qualified to be president in 2012. When she heard that, she was like, 'Yeah, but that still leaves 50%.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"After months of the debate, finally a health care reform bill now exists. It's big. The new bill is called the Affordable Health Care for America Act. And the bill's official title is actually HR 3692. 3692, of course, stands for the year they expect the bill to pass." –Jimmy Fallon

But get this, the bill is 1,990 pages long. To put that into words you guys can understand, that's like 5,622,000 Tweets." –Jimmy Fallon

"Washington Democrats unveiled their new 2,000-page health care reform bill today. It would guarantee health coverage for 96% of Americans. The other 4% would be given bus tickets to Canada." –Jay Leno

"You know what is worse than being sick and not having health insurance? Having to sit through the Lieberman filibuster that kept it from you." –Jon Stewart

"Of course, some people in Connecticut are upset that Joe now opposes the public option. Namely, the 64% of people in Connecticut who support a public option. But remember, Joe's party is 'Connecticut for Lieberman,' not 'Lieberman for Connecticut.' Big difference. You see, Joe's a true independent. He's independent of political parties, and he's independent of his constituents. I say, stick to your principles, Joe. And as soon as you can, let us know what those are." –Stephen Colbert

"Guess what? The former governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin will be appearing on the Oprah Winfrey show next month. Coincidentally, John McCain will be on Dr. Oz next month getting a colonoscopy." –David Letterman

"But if you think about it, Sarah Palin and Oprah Winfrey have a lot in common. They both helped get Obama elected." –David Letterman

"In a speech in Canada, former President George W. Bush said he was proud that when he was in office he didn't sell his soul, which is true. He rented it to Dick Cheney, who then sublet it to Halliburton, but it's totally different." –Jay Leno

"The University of Chicago, where President Obama once taught law, they want to house the Barack Obama presidential library. The library will be just like President George W. Bush's library, except it will have books." –Jimmy Fallon

"Speaking of former President Bush, he gave a motivational speech in Florida yesterday. Bush is actually really good at motivating. Last year, he motivated everyone to vote for Obama." –Jimmy Fallon

"This weekend, President Obama declared a national emergency in response to the growing threat of swine flu. So I guess I better stop licking doorknobs for real this time." –Jimmy Kimmel

"In response to Obama's declaration, the Republican leaders this morning came out in support of the swine flu. Not really." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama is in the news. He's been criticized for only playing sports with other men. He's been taking some slack for that lately, so yesterday, he played golf with one of his top female advisers or as Fox News reported it, 'Obama plays a round with another woman.'" –Conan O'Brien

"And former Vice President Dick Cheney has accused the White House of 'dithering' over the strategy for the war in Afghanistan. Today, the White House said they're thinking it over, and they should have an answer for him in six to eight weeks." –Jay Leno

"It's getting nasty. Cheney said that when it comes to Afghanistan, Obama seems to be 'afraid.' Afraid? Isn't Cheney the one that was hiding in the underground bunker?" –Jay Leno

"An MSNBC anchor, Contessa Brewer, made an embarrassing mistake on the air last week. She called Jesse Jackson, 'Al Sharpton.' Even worse than that, after he told her, 'I'm Jesse Jackson,' she said, 'Are you the one that's between Jermaine and Tito?'"–Jay Leno

"The St. Louis Rams lost yesterday to the Indianapolis Colts. The Rams are now 0-7. In fact, they're so bad, the Rams called Rush Limbaugh collect and said, 'Make us an offer. Anything, please.'" –Jay Leno

[gathered from NYTimes Laughlines]