SoonerBlue

"The Dow hit 10,000 this week, everybody! For the first time since the market collapse. And people were so excited, they took to the streets to celebrate, which is easy because so many of them live there." --Bill Maher

"And the Post Office may cancel Saturday delivery of the mail. Do you know about this? See, for young people before texting and twittering, you used to send pieces of paper to each other." --Jay Leno

"And prosecutors in New York City have filed charges against a man they claim scammed dozens of illegal immigrants by posing as an immigration lawyer. They say this guy lied to his clients, he gave them bad advice and stole their money. I don't know, sounds like a real lawyer to me." --Jay Leno

"And under the new guidelines issued by the Obama Administration, Federal agents will not pursue pot-smoking patients in states that allow medical marijuana. This new policy is called 'Don't Ask, Don't -- What Was I Talking About?'" --Jay Leno

"The FDA announced plans to clamp down on food labeling that may mislead consumers into thinking food is more nutritious than it really is. Is that going to work? Huh? You think Americans will change their eating habits by reading that? 'Oh, look, honey, on the label, these chocolate doughnuts aren't as nutritious as I thought they were.'" --Jay Leno

"President Obama announced he wants to give every senior citizen $250 next year. This is part of his 'Cash for Geezers' program." --Jay Leno

"Actually, if you're a senior citizen working on Wall Street, then you get $250 million." --Jay Leno

"And according to USA Today, car sales are now at a 20-year low. Well, sure, it's hard to steal a car when the owner's living in it." –Jay Leno

"As you know, the whole balloon boy thing turned out to be a big hoax. Usually when there's a hoax involving a balloon, it's some kind of Countrywide Mortgage scam." --Jay Leno

"In Louisiana, a judge denied an interracial couple a marriage license because he felt, I quote, their children would later suffer in life from being interracial. Like when they become president or win the Masters or get an Oscar." --Jay Leno

"The governor's wife, Maria Shriver, was photographed violating the law by talking on a cell phone while driving. You know, I read about it on my BlackBerry while riding into work on my motorcycle the other day." -Jay Leno

"This afternoon, according to a a media psychologist that was on this cable show today, it may not be John Edwards' fault that he cheats on his wife. Not his fault. They psychologist said he may suffer from a clinical condition known as Asperger's syndrome. Asperger's syndrome. No, you know what he has? He has 'ass grabber' syndrome." --Jay Leno

"A new survey found that the average man cries about six times a year. That number would be a lot lower if it weren’t for Glenn Beck." --Jimmy Fallon

"In a speech to the human rights campaign, the nation's largest gay rights group, President Obama on Saturday pledged to end the military's 'don't ask, don't tell' policy. Even better for gays, it's being replaced with a new policy, 'truth or dare.'" --Seth Meyers

"Republican Senator Olympia Snowe warned Tuesday that while she crossed party lines to vote for the new health care bill in committee, that doesn't mean she will vote for it when it reaches the Senate floor. Adding, 'Come on, guys, chase me!'" --Seth Meyers

"Well, in sports news, the big story is the NFL now stands for 'Not For Limbaugh'." –Jay Leno

"Did you see what happened to Rush Linbaugh? He wanted to buy the St. Louis Rams and they wouldn't let him. He said this was a dream he had, to some day own black people." --Bill Maher

"Well, as you probably know, conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh has been dropped from a group of investors who were trying to buy the St. Louis Rams. Speculation was that Limbaugh was considered by the league to be too controversial, you know, unlike Michael Vick, Pacman Jones, coach Tom Cable, Plaxico Burress. The NFL hates controversy." –Jay Leno

"Hey, some good news for Rush. The Oakland Raiders are offering to give him the team for free." –Jay Leno

"What's going on with the Oakland Raiders? You know, I don't want to say the Raiders are bad, but you know, now, a lot of fans are painting their faces just so they won't be recognized." –Jay Leno

"President Obama went to New Orleans to check up on the rebuilding efforts after Hurricane Katrina. When President Bush heard about it, he said, 'There was a hurricane in New Orleans?'"–Jay Leno

"It's not a great day for old folks. Today, the Social Security Administration announced there will be no cost of living increase for senior citizens. Social Security is the government's most popular program. A couple of years ago, President Bush wanted to privatize Social Security and put all the money in the stock market. That would have worked out. That would be like hiring Michael Vick to look after your dog!" –Craig Ferguson

"Obama is going to send $250 to all of those senior citizens. The bad news is that he's going to send them $10 at a time on their birthday." –Jimmy Fallon

[gathered from NYTimes Laughlines]