"Some good gossip. There's a new book out about Barack and Michelle Obama's marriage. And in it, they say that Michelle Obama was very upset by all these drooling blonds who would push up to her husband and rub themselves up against him. They said this. One blonde was especially suggestive and kept rubbing up against the President. And finally, Michelle said, 'Look, Chris Matthews, get away from my husband.'" --Jay Leno
"Hey, more problems for Democratic sleazeball, John Edwards. The campaign official who claims he fathered the child of Edwards' mistress is writing a book where he says Edwards is the real father. So, looks like USC wasn't the only one playing with bad Trojans." --Jay Leno
"No, according to The New York Times, a man named Andrew Young, who is a friend of Edwards, has submitted this book proposal where he reveals John Edwards is the father of the child he had with his mistress, Rielle Hunter. We have a copy of the book right here. It's called, 'Duh.'" --Jay Leno
"And how awful is this? This book claims that John Edwards tried to calm his mistress down by promising to marry her, after his wife died, in a rooftop wedding ceremony in New York with the Dave Matthews Band as their wedding band. Really, Dave Matthews at the wedding for these two? Wouldn't Cheap Trick be more appropriate?" --Jay Leno
"This is all just speculation, you know. We won't be certain that the baby belongs to John Edwards until we see how the child's hair responds to blow drying." --Jimmy Kimmel
"A pharmaceutical company is developing a microchip to be implanted in patients' shoulders that remind them to take their medication. That's just what crazy people on drugs need, right, a voice talking to them out of their shoulder?" --Jimmy Fallon
"Now this was momentous. President Obama brought together Israeli and Palestinian leaders, and it was awkward. And they stood there, and they stared at each other, and finally, after an uncomfortable period of time, they shook hands. It was like my wedding night." --David Letterman
"And then the Iranian dictator Mahmoud Ahmadinejad gave a hate speech and I thought to myself, where's that 'you lie' guy when you need him?" --David Letterman
"Hey, listen to this. You know the former governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin? Boy, I know her. She's traveling all over the world now, speaking gigs. And she went to Hong Kong and gave a speech and people who heard the speech said it was articulate, it was well-prepared, it was compelling. It's a year late, but …" --David Letterman
"And if it was that good I'm thinking it must have been Tina Fey." --David Letterman
"They paid her $300,000 for the speech, the Chinese, $300,000 for the speech. I guess she apparently could see the cash from her house." --David Letterman
"In a new interview, conservative talk show host Glenn Beck called John McCain a 'weird progressive, like Teddy Roosevelt.' In response, McCain said, 'That's funny. That's what Teddy used to call me.'" --Conan O'Brien
"And Iranian leader Mahmoud I'm-a-nut-job, he's in New York this week. Boy, he's really grumpy. I guess the movie on the flight over from Iran was 'Schindler's List.' And he just didn't like that." --Jay Leno
"And Libyan leader Moammar Qaddafi-duck, this moron, was at the U.N. today. He talked forever. He talked on Israel and the swine flu and the JFK assassination. Where was Kanye West to grab the microphone away?" --Jay Leno
"Well, I'm sure you heard about this story. Officials have charged three men born in Afghanistan in this terror probe. An official says much of the evidence gathered was suggestive of a plot to attack buses or trains. How scary is that? Imagine terrorists being able to blow up an Amtrak train before it has a chance to run off the embankment on its own." --Jay Leno
"Anyway, this terror suspect who was arrested in Colorado that was charged with detailed plans on how to make the bomb - here's my favorite part. The guy said he downloaded the plans to make the bomb off the Internet by mistake. Oh, shut up, that's the porn excuse! Wives don't even buy that! Shut up!" --Jay Leno
"And according to a front page story in the LA Times, the CIA is deploying teams of spies, analysts, and paramilitary operatives to Afghanistan as part of a broad intelligence search. They said this should catch the Taliban by surprise, unless, of course, they happen to see the front page of the L.A. Times." --Jay Leno
"If you wanted to, you could get on the eBay and you could bid on having dinner with Sarah Palin. Did you know that? Yep, you could bid on it. And the winning bid was $63,000. You get to sit down and have dinner. Of course, you know, for that price - people say that's a lot of money - she'll shoot the main course." --David Letterman
"It's the most expensive date with a governor since Eliot Spritzer." --David Letterman
"Actually, did you see that Obama was on six different TV shows pitching his health-care plan. You know the difference between Obama and the ShamWow guy? You can see the ShamWow guy on Fox." --Jay Leno